In 2007, I decided to make my own ‘mix tape’ to celebrate my birthday. Mostly I wanted to have a fun play list, a party for my commute, and it was pretty great. I called it my “Birthday Jams”. And at some point during that time, I had a friend ask me for a copy. And it felt like the best kind of compliment.

The next year, I took my time. I thought about what songs had been new and wonderful to me that year. What songs made up my soundtrack for that year. And it had been a big year for me. I had moved to Washington, DC and I listened to a lot of music. Every morning, I walked to the metro with my iPod on shuffle. I people watched on the good ol’ red line as tourists, locals, summer interns crammed into the train every morning. I spent my lunches walking around the art museum across the street and on good weather days walking around the sculpture garden or even down to see George, Abe and TJ– all set to some playlist. DC is a walking city and for me there was something of a need to always have my ear buds on me at all times so that I could add a soundtrack to my little metropolitan adventure.

That year, I desperately missed my friends from the west and so I made copies of my play list and mailed copies to my close friends. The next year, I went even bigger and created an album cover.

I loved giving gifts on my birthday. I loved spending time finding new music and sharing it with my friends. Sharing my life and the soundtrack to that life with my friends.

Years later,  I came across this thing called ‘Expressive Art Therapy’ – that described integrating art, music, and poetry into counseling. lt like I had stumbled on to not just something of a calling, but like I was discovering a new piece of myself. I had been doing Expressive Art Therapy for years without knowing through the Birthday Jams and my side hobby of art, poetry and journaling about amazing lyrics and songs. And of course, as I went to grad school for counseling and for this specialty, my process became more about reflecting on my year through music and art. Honoring it and sharing it with trusted friends.

I think ABJs (Oh yea, Amanda’s Birthday Jams) became this defining thing about who I am. This wonderful gift that God gave me to not just love music, but to find meaning in it and live in it. And sometimes the songs were chosen because they of strong, beautiful, emotive lyrics. Sometimes, it’s just the fun bass line or tempo that makes you want to dance like TuneYard’s “Killa” or layered crescendo that gives you goosebumps. Like how Lost in the Trees’ “Mvt. 2 Sketch” or Explosions in the Sky’s “Be Comfortable, Creature” can literally make me cry when I hear it as I’m driving during a sunrise or sunset.

Photo credit: Aaron Hoskins

Adding in art for the cover, gave me such a unique way of expressing myself and working through issues too. I loved using mixed media mostly, but one year, I asked my friend to take pictures of me. I wanted to do a self-portrait, but I’m horrible at drawing figures and faces. So I had this thought of taking a picture of me and layering it with other media to create a cover. I did several versions and ended up just leaving the picture without the pastels and chalk layered on.  I remember feeling so awkward about taking pictures, but it pushed me outside of my comfort zone and had me face myself in a new way. It ended up being one of my favorite covers. Mostly because my photographer, Aaron Hoskins, is someone who has basically adopted me as a bit of a big brother to me and I got to see inside his own version of art therapy through his photography. And being part of it, having my pictures taken, it was therapeutic for me.

There was another time where I was personally struggling with some depression and anxiety and because of that my connection to music was rough. And forcing myself to do this practice -at least one particular year, felt painful and sad. I was doing it for everyone else and my heart wasn’t in it. And I remember a friend calling me out. As much as I was trying to make that year’s list good and still hold up as a quality playlist for others, the reality of my struggle was very apparent in my choices. In some ways, I was still glad that I forced myself to do the exercise, but only because that friend saw past it and made me confront the fact that I was struggling. The next year, I leaned into it more. I made the list about battling my depression and while it was sad, it was honest and true. I let go of the idea that it had to be perfect or that it was a gift for others. I got back to the starting point which was when it was a gift for me. Which brings me back to encouraging you to think about doing something like this for yourself.

First, there are no rules for creating your own soundtrack.

I chose to make mine around my birthday because it was a way to reflect on my year. But I also used this in therapy for people who were grieving the loss of a loved one, who struggled with addiction, who were trying to heal from a variety of issues. And you can adapt this to so many situations as a means of reflecting and honoring your emotions, your struggles, your victories – just life. And that can mean, focusing on lyrics – find your favorite quote from songs and create a piece of art displaying those words. Create an album cover or artwork for each song you want to represent for the sound track your making. Journal about the process if you want. Or simply, throw a playlist together and share it with a friend. You can choose to share the reasons and process you chose the songs you did or you can just enjoy listening!

I have personally seen how God uses music and being open to using art, music, and words to weave together beautiful moments of healing and celebration for me and others who have used this tool.

The most important thing to remember is that there are no rules. Actually, there is just one – YOUR soundtrack is just that – yours. No one else’s.

I’ll leave you with this. There is a song that could easily be on my birthday jams’ playlist every year. It’s a song that when I hear it, my heart starts to wind up like it’s about to burst. And it’s almost a compulsion to greet it, to rock out to it. Like I have to honor it by singing along. And sometimes, I want to harmonize and turn the Janis Joplin influence of the song up a notch or come in higher to add even a sweeter, dare I say jazzier, harmony it in how I sing along – but it’s always a song that my heart needs to sing to.  And the reason, I think the song could be on the list every year is that the lyrics are always on point. No matter the season I find myself in, the lyrics just always seem to fit in some way.  This year, I will be creating an ABJ. Probably just a shared list on spotify or iTunes, but this song will be first on the list. . . What song will make your list?

Sway by Heartless Bastards

My heart has drifted out into a place I cannot find
And the days go by searching all the time
I was searching all, searching all the time
I looked into the eyes, the eyes of everyone I know
And the days go by wondering where to go
I was searching all, searching all the time

I tell myself these bitter, these bitter days will end
You gotta, you just gotta let them go, just let go

So, I stumble and I sway into the room and I fade
I hope my darkest day are behind me
I want to stay here in the sun for a while
I hope my darkest days are behind me

Oh for way too long these things they occupy my mind
And all the things that I, things I left behind
I was searching all, searching all the time

Oh my my my these bitter, these bitter days will end
You gotta, you just gotta let them go, just let go

So, I stumble and I sway into the room and I fade
I hope my darkest days are behind me
I want to stay here in the sun for a while

I saw i saw the wide old world wide old way
And I saw I saw the wide old world wide old way