I was having a really crappy day. Maybe even week. One of those weeks where everything seems to be off track and just barreling forward. Where you find yourself at a point of just either laughing or crying about it.  I’ve done both today.

A year ago, I would have stayed late at work in some futile attempt to catch up, but really, it would just be an excuse to hide in the infinite needs of work. Or I would opt to go home, eat crappy food and veg out watching Parks and Rec to just check out. Sometimes it’s important to do something like that – sometimes you need to just do something to check out for a bit and relax. And everyone should watch Parks and Rec for a little comedic relief and therapy – believe me. But I got in this habit of finding myself routinely hiding in those options. And while I might have called it self-care, it was a whole lot of just self-protection and denial about hiding.  It was not care.

I was thinking about that on my way home tonight. How on a crappy day a year ago, I might have given myself an excuse to skip my dance lesson, made the excuse that I needed to stay late at work or that I just needed a night off. But things are different now. In that moment of considering blowing it off, I laughed instead of cried about my crappy day circumstances and said, ‘forget it, I’m dancing!’

And the funny thing about it, is that learning how to dance is so humbling and at times a struggle.  So it doesn’t make sense to add more struggle to a day when I’m struggling, right? But it’s for me and the one thing it is not – is hiding. And it’s not for anyone else, just for me. The struggle of trying to get better and trying to feel more comfortable – it’s just for me. And there is something incredibly satisfying about that. It feels so healthy, even in the moments when I’m cursing at myself for taking a misstep or missing a signal or – you know – lose the ability to remember the difference from left and right! (No seriously. I had a moment where he was saying to look left and I kept looking right. Over and over again. Later, I was laughing about the fact that my dance instructor is impressively multitasking – giving me feedback, talking me through the steps, even chewing gum while dancing,  like it’s so just second nature to him. And meanwhile, I literally can’t remember my left from my right. Like my brain just turned off. But better believe, I have a new goal of getting so comfortable that I can chew gum and walk, I mean dance at the same time.  My list of dancing goals continues to grow. But what can you do, but just try to give yourself some grace and laugh at yourself in those moments.)

But it’s all OK, in fact, it’s kind of great. I keep feeling like I’m not just struggling to find my feet or find the rhythm, but I’m struggling to find myself in the midst of it. And I don’t mean to say that in a sad way guys, it feels so good. To struggle for something that’s for me. To draw myself out of hiding, whether that’s in my movement or my confidence in myself. To get my groove back. (I had to put that in because Stella is looking at me very sweetly right now and trying to distract me from finishing this. . . so that one is for you Stella girl.)

And I’m hard on myself, but I know I’m getting better. And there are moments, when things feel more natural and more comfortable and I get excited like a little kid. And even the moments like tonight where I just could not seem to get this turn down, the struggle of it feels worth it. Like I know I’ll get it eventually.

I’ve been listening to old ABJs (Amanda’s Birthday Jams – blog post pending on that and how you can create your own), and by the way, I’m normally so done with those playlists by the time I actually finalized them that I rarely listened to it after it’s done. But it’s been really great listening to them again lately.  So, for those of you that received them, I was specifically listening to ABJ9 and one of the last songs is Hello My Old Heart by The Oh Hellos. (I know. Another Tiny Desk link? But it’s the best version I can find and it’s the first song!)

I think people listen to the lyrics and just assume it’s about love and romantic relationships and being vulnerable again with someone. But for me, I just have always related it to so much more than that. It’s my getting back on my feet again song that is slow and somewhat has this tension that drags at the beginning but builds into this wonderful, joyful, freeing crescendo. It’s great. It is about daring to be vulnerable again, finding joy again . . . even if that means there’s a lot of struggle, some tension at the beginning and humbling, stumbling as you climb out of that place of hiding.

Hello my old heart
how have you been?
Are you still there inside my chest?
I’ve been so worried,
you’ve been so still,
barely beating at all.
….
Hello my old heart
how have you been?
How is it being locked away?
Don’t you worry, in there you’re safe
and it’s true you’ll never beat,
but you’ll never break.
Nothing lasts forever,
some things aren’t meant to be,
’cause you’ll never find the answers,
until you set your old heart free,
until you set your old heart free.

Have I mentioned that I’m also a bit of a sucker for big crescendos? Gets me every time. And this song got me started down this reflective thought process tonight that led me to writing this out and sharing it.

But remember how I said sometimes, weeks like this you have to just laugh or cry? Sometimes both.  The song that follows Hello My Old Heart is Power Hungry Animals by Apache Relay (found this band from the movie The Way Way  Back – it’s such a solid movie with a great soundtrack. I highly recommend it.)

It is another wonderful song, with a big crescendo, that somehow sets me free to sing at the top of my lungs in my car every time. And to think that years ago, I put these two songs next to each other in this order, for some other reason I’m sure, not knowing how perfectly timed it would be for a day like today to give me exactly what I needed to hear:

“But if they only knew, they’d laugh and dance like fools.”