Nearly a year ago, Steve and I walked in to see a fertility doctor for a consultation. From opening the door to getting in the car to leave, the consultation took 45 minutes. This included a complete rundown of our options, all the things we could do to increase our chances, and a certain kind of uncomfortable ultrasound. Our fast-talking, matter-of-fact Doctor was knowledgeable – but man did we feel like we got shot out of a cannon.

To boot – this was the tree in the lobby.

Sur-Real. Comical. Scary. Awkward. Excitement. These are all words that come to mind.

Wait. Before we go forward, I need to rewind.

When Steve and I first started dating we had our ‘so this is serious conversation’ and it included going down a list of questions, deal breakers, and disclosures about our beliefs about life and marriage, etc. I remember the moment, Steve looked at me and said, “So what do you think about adoption?” As he explained he had felt like it was something he felt called to, I knew I was going to marry him.

Fast forward a year – we were married. We often talked about how our dream would be to be parents through both means – biological and adoption. Given our ages, we needed to try to increase our odds of a biological child first. I did all the things: ovulation tests, tracking through all the means possible, all the apps, books, and old wives’ tale myths. I became a neurotic little ball of nerves. Eventually, I had to take a step back for a few months and just try to relax. We prayed a lot. And had decided to start looking into the adoption process, when several friends of ours told us about this doctor and some fertility treatments that helped them get pregnant without the incredibly costly methods.

Going into that consultation, we thought – ok let’s see what they can say and do for us before we decide what our next step is.

And there we found ourselves, looking at a St. Patrick’s Day-themed Christmas tree before getting shot out of the cannon with a list of things we needed to do. And this sent us down a very strange, hard, and yet, beautiful path. Beautiful because through the pain of that experience – I drew closer to God, to Steve, and gained so much more compassion for friends and couples who experienced the same struggles.

I started multiple hormones and medications in an attempt to increase my odds. It felt like the approach was “throw everything at the wall and see what sticks”. But every failed IUI left me more and more beaten up. Defeated. These hormones that try to trick your body into thinking it’s pregnant – so that it produces the prime environment for conception and implantation. But you also start to feel fatigued, different – you start to feel pregnant too.

And so, the balancing of expectations, hopes, and fears begins. One hand holds on these seeds of hope that feel affirmed with those early signs of what might be pregnancy and the other hand, well that’s busy holding back the fear of disappointment and despair. “Don’t hope” you tell yourself. “Don’t get ahead of yourself.” Every little thought of “maybe I am pregnant” is followed by – “but probably just the hormone shot. Don’t take that test too early, so don’t get too excited.”

And feeling souped-up on hormones, you wake up anxiously on “the day” and rush to take a test . . . and are destroyed by the results. More than normal because again, the hormones your body is still working through. And you want to take a break, but 2 weeks later you are back at the doctor’s office for your next round.

And for me, there was a spiritual battle in my head:

Why?
What can I do differently to prove that I deserve this?
Am I not trusting God enough?
What test have I failed?
Should we stop these treatments as proof to God that we trust in just him?
No, God also created medicine to be a blessing!
Maybe we need to just be content with adoption?
Am I giving up on the eggs and potential life that does exist in me too soon?
God,what did I do wrong here?
Is this your way of telling me to not be a mom?
That I’m not good enough?
I can justify and pick apart every choice.
What should we do?

There were moments when Steve would see me quiet, having this conversation in my head. He would ask me what was going on. When I spilled all of these thoughts, I could tell he was again mystified by how the female brain thinks so many contradictive and self-destructive thoughts all at the same time.

After three failed IUI treatments, we decided to take a break for my body and my heart. I felt so lost in my thoughts and anxiety around it. And then, one Sunday, one my favorite guest speakers came to our church.

She gave a beautiful sermon that I have watched and re-watched many times since. The topic: God’s will for us – even when life feels unfair. And in that, finding the key to contentment. And here it is:

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18.

So what do I do? Rejoice always. Pray. Give Thanks. She ended with this very practical tip to help. To sing a hymn we all know to help us have the discipline to remind ourselves to live out this verse.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus.
Look full in His wonderful face.
And the things of earth,
Will grow strangely dim.
In the light of His glory and grace.

Please take a moment to read those words, sing them in your head or aloud. Did you feel it? Did you smile as you considered the face of Christ is shining on you? Did the intensity of your day’s problems fade – just a bit? And there we find the mystery of things we have been promised come to light – peace beyond understanding just by focusing on Christ. Because when we turn to Him, we are reminded of His faithfulness, His goodness, His love. And when we are reminded – how can we be anything else but grateful.

Megan says in the sermon that the “opposite of joy is not sadness, but hopelessness.” So even in the moments of sadness, we can still rejoice because we have hope. In that moment in church, the decisions we faced didn’t disappear – but I found a way to rejoice. To be content. I did not need Him to give me an answer. I needed to draw close to Him.

For weeks following this, I made a point to sing this song once a day and it kept my focus on knowing that HE was God, He is good, and He is with me. In this season, I learned that there wasn’t necessarily or clear right or wrong answer in the decision we faced. But I needed to draw close to God – that’s what he wanted from me. I soon had an experience of clarity. I knew we were called to be adoptive parents – always had been. I knew I already loved and wanted to protect a child that would be out there, waiting for us to be their parents. I also was reaffirmed in this: Steve and I would love to have a biological child too, but we were also content if that doesn’t happen.

Having the fog lifted and these realizations affirmed – made our path clear. We would no longer be putting our resources towards fertility treatments. And we put all that we had in moving forward with the adoption. Paying off debts, getting applications ready, meeting with multiple agencies, and friends who adopted, doing the research, and submitting ourselves to the process.

Today we got the news. We are officially certified to adopt! And there is so much to do! Fundraising, home projects, applications for adoption grants, and creating our birth mom booklet. And again, the running thoughts of everything we need to do next start to spin in my mind. A different kind of shot out of a cannon feeling, but then this reminder:

Turn your eyes upon Jesus.
Look full in His wonderful face
and the things of earth will grow strangely dim.
In the light of His wonderful face.

What a wonderful God we serve! Our checklist of tasks is nothing compared to the beauty of knowing that right now God has us in His hands. He is also with her – the precious woman who may right now be growing our future child inside! He is with them and with Steve and I – walking with us on this path towards each other.

Rejoice with us! His goodness is overwhelming.