It’s been a while since I’ve come on to share. This year has brought changes upon changes. Most of them you’ve heard or seen from first-time parents or experienced for yourself. And many times, I’ve thought I should write something – but then, to be honest – I chose to sleep instead. But tonight, there is a conviction in my spirit to share a reflection that has been on my heart these last few days.

But first, I should preface this by letting you know I will share something that might sound a bit weird to many of you. I want you to know that it was weird for me, too. Which, in many ways, is why I’ve not shared too much about this experience before. I think there’s a fear I’ve had of what some people might think. But it’s been a year since it happened and well, I think I need to share it.

As we draw closer to Christmas, we think about the story of Mary. Mary, a virgin chosen to be the mother to Christ, the son of God. We think of Christ, the King of Kings, born in a stable, and laid in a manger. The gathering of Kings, Wise Men, and lowly Shepherds – all equal before the newborn King – equally humbled, equally honored to be present, equally moved to adoration. But last year, I started to really think about the understated presence of who we know mostly as a good man – the adopted father to Jesus Christ – Joseph.

We know Joseph was visited by an angel during a dream. He was told that he would give the baby the name Jesus.

A year ago, I was trying to convince Steve that if a boy was placed with us that we should include Joseph in the name. Mostly because of my grandpa Joe – but I kept adding in – also, Joseph, you know, the adopted father to Christ! C’mon, it’s perfect. While my motives may not have been pure, they did direct my thoughts to what Joseph must have thought or felt as he waited for Mary to give birth. Would Joseph best understand some of the questions that swirled our minds around adoption?

A year ago, I felt quite lost. We were waiting for the state to approve our home study, and we were fully invested in this journey of adoption. But I felt this sense of despair. If there is a child out there who is meant to be ours – how do I find him or her? There was no search party to set up. Instead, we created a little book about our family – and we waited. Waited for a birth mom to choose us. We were the ones who needed to be found -and that made me feel absolutely helpless.

A year ago, I felt this sense of impatience. I just wanted to be a mom. I wanted to know that the child God intended to be ours would be safe and sound in our arms soon. Waiting was the worst, and I was becoming this worried, anxious mess.

Last year, Steve and I attended the Christmas Eve service at Church. As we parked, I could feel my emotions like a live wire. I remember taking a deep breath and telling myself – “Get it together.”

Worship was beautiful. As we sang Christmas carols celebrating the birth of Christ, I started to feel my emotions rise and my mask fall. Trying to put aside all those feelings, desires, and anxieties was backfiring. So, I stopped singing and closed my eyes to try and stop the coming tide of emotions.

But when I closed my eyes, an image of warm amber, reds, oranges flooded my mind. And I heard Him clearly:

I am with them.

I opened my eyes and my body started to shake a little. I closed my eyes again. And saw the flashes of warm colors again.

I am with them.

I sat down and just submitted to keeping my eyes closed and leaning into this moment that initially felt so weird and startling. I have told you before that God has spoken to me through all sorts of things, from a song to a sunrise. But never anything like this. And it humbled me. And all I could do was enter into the purest moment of worship I’ve ever experienced.

I was raised always to take what someone says they “heard” from God and test it against what God teaches us through scripture. So I’m going to tell you what I knew at that moment:

1. God didn’t say He was with him or her, but them. I knew He meant not just the baby, but also Birth Mom. Because He loves her dearly too. And wanted me to begin to think about her. Who knew what she might be feeling in that moment, the fears she may have been having – But God was with her too. In the same way that He was with Mary and Joseph, when there didn’t seem to be anywhere to turn. He provided – sometimes in unique ways. But He gives mercy, grace, and love in mysterious ways.
2. There existed a birth mom who would someday choose us, maybe even within the next nine months. And just like God chose Joseph and bestowed on him the gift of giving Christ his name. we would also be chosen – someday. This  affirmation that fortified my faith that we were on the right path.
3. Last, but not least.  I may have felt lost, but in no uncertain terms, this child was not lost to Him. He was the King of Kings. Lord of Lords. He counted every hair on Riley’s head and formed his little joyful spirit as every little cell flourished and grew. He was with them. He was reassuring me to not be fearful or anxious for them. To trust Him.

The same God that sent an angel to Joseph, the same God that brought men from all walks of life together, the same God that gave us His only son, was taking time to tell me what I already knew intellectually but needed to know in my core – He was with —both baby and birth mom. And, He was also with me.

Only a year later, and I will enter our house of worship in a few days holding my son. My beautiful, joy-filled, and precious eight-month-old son. Holding my answered prayer. My calling to be someone’s mama is fulfilled. I will hold my son, whose birth mom chose us and gave us the greatest privilege of being his parents. Our relationship with her has become beautiful – and even when we navigate the awkwardness at times of this experience, I remember His words and know that He chose us to love and honor her too. I think about how awkward Joseph must have felt at times, raise the son of God and remember we’re doing just fine.

There are a couple of songs that are extra special to me these last few years as we have been on this journey to growing our family.

There is a part of the song above that simply says “Our affection, our devotion, poured out on the feet of Jesus.” I could sing this over and over when I think about the gift He gave us with Riley. The gift He gave me last year with words that just reiterated the truth of the Gospel – that He is with us. This Christmas, when worship songs bring images of the newborn Christ, join the shepherds, kings, and wise men—and our family—in pouring out our affection.