It’s been a while since I’ve written. Not for lack of things to write about, but for lack of energy and time. But here I am, committed to share something that happened months ago that has had a continued impact on my year.

A part from a glorious week I spent with my mom in Florida in October, I have not had much of a break this last year. A lot of people I work with haven’t either and understand the toll it takes on one’s life. I’m tired. And you see, we were working so hard from July up until December. And there was a time when I felt like nothing could go right, and I had this mantra all last fall of ‘just make it to January’ . . .because I thought I’d have a break in January. And then, that didn’t happen. Another huge and important project at work destroyed any plans for January-March. So right before I left AZ to join my family in Colorado, the weight of that disappointment, that my ‘just make it to January’ motto would no longer work, fell heavy on my shoulders. And I started to realize that I had also experienced this immense pride in my work in what I do last fall, but that it was so hard to be present and enjoy it because I had this “just make until” mentality. And in praying for strength and endurance all those months, I forgot to pray for joy too. And knowing that I wouldn’t have a break before diving in to this other project, I felt like an empty tank. How do I move forward?

So that last day before I left for Colorado, I committed to just pulling myself up by the bootstraps and taking it one moment at a time. And the day was horrible. I had car problems, I got them fixed, I remembered that I had to get my emissions test and renew my registration before the end of the month. . . I ran to get the test done, failed it. Had an unforeseen project that needed immediate attention at work, I didn’t get to do half of what I needed to before leaving that day. And here comes my boss with my Christmas present, which consisted of a basket of fun things including this wooden art piece that displayed the word “Joy”. . .on the way to my office, she tripped and it fell… and broke in half.

My joy was broken.

So I just laughed at the appropriateness of the moment and the timing. Yea, my joy felt broken. And so as I packed up my dogs that next morning and took the 8 hour trip to see my family, I cried (because I’m a crier) and prayed that God would not just let me survive, not just give me strength to get by, not just give me perseverance and endurance – but that I would have joy too.

I was reminded of Romans 15:13:

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

So I pray that I can trust more and focus on the gifts of joy and peace that God provides. And He provides in many ways, often in the form of my dogs loving me with their silliness and unconditional love for me every night when I get home, with my boss who fixed my joy (literally she fixed the broken word ‘joy’), in laughter with friends, in hugs and cuddles from the littles in my life that I get to watch grow up every day, and without fail God continues to give me songs to fill my soul.

So its fitting for a Sunday, a day to fellowship, rest, and enjoy this blessed life, that I pick a Sunday-kind of song – and maybe that’s an entire genre of song that I should do a blog on to fully explain. But for now, I’ll just explain that Bill Withers “Lovely Day” is a Sunday-kind of song that I have loved for a long time and invites joy for me, so I hope it does for you too.

P.S. I’m not endorsing this company BTW. . . just a great commercial. 🙂

Recently, I had the joy of having dinner with a friend that I haven’t seen in years. And the glorious thing about this friend is that we have the kind of relationship that despite the years and distance, we can see each other and fall into step as if no time had passed at all. The good thing about friends like this, is that the friendship is also so deep that when you meet, the time spent can range from giggling about ridiculous things to crying about hard things as you share and reflect on what’s shaped each other in the time spent apart. We fell into a time warp, nearly closed down the restaurant and sat in a parking lot for an hour chatting about life. Somewhere between talking about life and pop-tarts made from scratch, we had a serious conversation about how we can catch ourselves taking out our frustration or anger on the ones we feel safest with and vice verse.  I later wrote my friend to tell her that our conversation reminded me of a song, Mission Bells by The Apache Relay.

I would like to first of all report that this has been the most successful I have ever been with a “New Year’s Resolution.” And I think what made it successful comes down to these three things:

1. Expect some stumbling, give yourself some grace. Resolutions fail because changing patterns, especially ones that help us cope require something more than will power – it requires humility and grace. In my time as a counselor working with those struggling with addiction, I realized that the men and women who have overcome and are daily overcoming addiction are the most courageous and strong in the world. In. the. world. And if you don’t know this, than I would challenge you to think of the top three ways that you cope with life’s stresses . . . no, really, think about it. During my studies, my intro to addictions class had each of us do this and we had to write them down and share them. Mine included – listening to music, fellowship with friends and family, and prayer.  And then the catch, pick one and give it up for eight weeks. I remember the panic that set in for those of us in the class – some refused to pick from their top three and changed it (as long as they had a solid excuse, and I think our instructor used the negotiations as an example of how interventions sometimes work – and that sometimes you can only hope to reduce use and frequency at first.) I chose music. Because I couldn’t give up friends and family or prayer.  Now, I am not equating my time of abstaining from music to anything close to what it must be like to abstain from an addictive substance, but it created a glimmer of understanding and compassion. I remember “relapsing” and my instructor could tell right away because of my nervousness when asked for an update. And of course, I had excuses – “there was music at my friend’s party. . .I can’t help it, it was right there. . .am I supposed to ask them not to do it just because I can’t. . . I just you know….chose to go to this coffee shop that plays really good music. . .I know! I relapsed!” And quickly, I learned this lesson – you just start over the next day. The faster you get back on track, the better. To be honest, this is what I remember too, the euphoria I had the night I took my final and could listen to music.  I remember crying and giggling at how excited I was to be able to hear it that night and how silly it was that I was crying about it. I can remember that moment with sweetness because music is a healthy coping mechanism for me, but when I think about how hard it was just for eight weeks – I had a new appreciation for giving up something that helps us cope. Often the goals we set for the new year addresses the patterns we know maybe aren’t the healthiest ways we cope. Emotional eating, retail therapy, and myriad of other poor choices we make throughout the year. So here’s something I took from my time watching clients navigate relapse and here’s the thing – own some humility, know that relapse is bound to happen, but persevere to get back up and give yourself some grace. Humility is not shame. Humility means, yep, I’m human and got off track. It doesn’t mean I have to give up – no matter how many times you fail, you keep getting back up. (If you know anyone who is working on their recovery from addiction, I would encourage you to tell them how proud you are of them. No matter if they have 1 day sober or 10 years, it’s takes a special strength and character to make the choice for recovery). And one other thing, you have to replace bad coping activities with healthy ones.
2. Don’t take on too much at once! I recently read this study that said the most successful way to lose weight is to make small changes over a long duration of time. Something as simple as eliminating soda or walking for a short period of time. If you’re like me, that seems ridiculous and lazy to think it actually works. (Except, it actually works .  . . , but that’s not the point.) So instead, I’m going to cut soda, run a marathon, do planks every day, go to Zumba four times a week, eliminate all carbs, and replace meals with shakes every day – and reach my fit bit steps every day. I do this same thing with finances too. “I’m going to make my own soap, laundry, dog food, and learn extreme couponing to save money this year. . .” Right. . .I’m going to do ALL of these things right away. And what’s fun is when I combine this list with my weight loss list and actually think I can do it.  Start with one thing, make it routine, make it a habit before you take on that next step.  This “I’m just going to bear down and do it” plan, lasts for about five days.  It’s too much! Friends, we gotta “What about Bob?”-it and remember “baby steps, baby steps”. Jokes aside, baby steps lead to strides.
3. The goal should remind you of the why – not the how. Let’s face it, we’ve had failed new year’s resolutions and diets where we take on too many “how to’s” in order to meet our goal rather than just focus on the goal and the “why” it’s our goal and having flexibility in the how to’s. In counseling we talk a lot about treatment plans. It’s important to remember there are the objectives and then the actions you’re going to do to meet those objectives. And you get to re-evaluate and change them as needed. So for me, the reason I feel like this year was successful is that my goal was summed up in a simple phrase: “to have more sunshine in my life”.  And my plan of action, my “how-to’s” were flexible. I had several key things like walking my dogs more, working out at least once a week (that’s right, just once a week at first and now that’s turned into 3-4 times a week), and to care more about my appearance (dress nicer for work and actually wear make up during the week). But these were always guided by this simple question “what choice adds more sunshine in my life and in my soul?” And I made a choice to have some something tangible to remind me of this resolution. I dyed my hair blond.

Having more sunshine in my life has some obvious meaning to most people – sunshine = happy. But for me, it’s a little more. Several years back, I was invited to a costume party, but the catch was that you had to create your own super hero. I bought a blond wig, wore my yellow dress and created a yellow mask from felt – and became Captain Sunshine. It was a time when I felt really confident, healthy, and yes, super. I felt super.  The Cap’n is a part of me and sometimes, she comes out, but in recent years, stormy clouds have kept her pretty well hidden. So my goal was to have a little more of the Cap’n in my life in 2016. The blonde hair simply reminded me of that. And throughout the year, I would just ask if I was making choices, doing things that the Cap’n would approve. I failed a lot.  But I think because I had this theme as my goal instead of a list of specific how –to’s, I’m coming away from the year feeling like I had more wins than losses. I had more days of sunshine than clouds.

So now, I’m revisiting and re-evaluating this coming year’s resolution. I hope that you do the same, that you consider picking a general goal that will remind you of the “why” and your motivation and that you give yourself lots of grace and flexibility in how you achieve it over the next year.

I’m starting to think it isn’t a coincidence. I’m starting to think that God knew exactly what He was doing this Christmas. And its humbling, hard, but I didn’t know how much I needed what He’s given me this year.

Wednesday night I got home around 9:30 after a work party with a sense of urgency, a plan of attack to tackle all the things I needed to do before the morning. I had to pack my clothes and find snow appropriate clothes of course, pack dog food for 6 days, toys, dog beds, make a Christmas CD to play on the road trip, finish working on some gifts that needed to be packed up, and of course, clean up my house as best I could before leaving, water all the plants and trees. . .

But then, my plans changed. And the urgency of my to-do’s switched to caring for one of my dogs. I won’t go into the details here, after talking with my parents and sleeping on it, I decided it wasn’t wise to travel with my dog in the condition she was in. (She’s fine, just not road trip fine.)

I’m disappointed. I knew it would disappoint my family. I will miss snuggles with my sweet little nieces, romping in the snow with them and the dogs, and some of the best cooking and baking in the country. I’ll miss the Colorado starry night and moon lighting up the white snow, and the warmth of the fire in my parents “barn.” (They live in a barn, that’s another blog worthy topic for another time.)

Wednesday night, I had finally gotten my house situated for Stella. And let me tell you, Stella is a big baby every day and has separation anxiety on a good day; but when she’s not well or in her current state, she’s extra needy, melancholy – and this makes her want to be next to me at all times. She knew I was upset too. So curled up on her special blanket and she laid her head on top of my feet to try and comfort me. Lacey curled up on my lap. And for a moment, in the midst of chaos and disappointment, there was a very simple and sweet moment of peace.

The next day rain poured down from here to Flagstaff and snow was falling heavy in Colorado. I knew I made the right decision. Traveling with a needy dog in bad weather across the reservation is just not wise.  I knew that I just had to make the best of staying in Phoenix for Christmas. I braved the grocery store, I bought a very small tree, and I put on Christmas music – and I went to work on some of those “to-dos” I had put off.

I had made a plan this year to give Bibles to some important teenagers in my life with a note explaining my faith, scriptures I love highlighted, etc. I had run out of time to do it, so I let them know their gifts would be late this year. I didn’t want to rush through it.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this year, I would be writing my faith out, revisiting my favorite scriptures. I was overwhelmed being reminded that God is relentless in his love and pursuit of us. That he loves us on our worst days. That He is God over everything – God over my plans. And that maybe this Christmas, I needed to just be with Him.

Today, Christmas Eve I made plans to go to a church service at noon and just see where the day took me. If you’re in Phoenix, you know it poured all day and people in Phoenix aren’t the best at driving in rain. . .which made me late to the service. As I pulled on to the street by the church, one of my best friends who I have been playing phone tag with for the last two months called. So I made a choice, to sit in my truck for an hour talking with her and just catch the next service.  She’s the best kind of friend a girl can have. She was positive and confident that I would make the best of this time and that God had a plan in all of it.

I didn’t have to wait long for the next service. But the rain started to come down even harder. And I started to feel like “Of course it would pour today. Because that’s how this week is going.” But as I looked up from getting out of my truck, a young hipster with mustache came running with an umbrella and escorted me to the church. (Dear New City Church – Thank you for arranging umbrella escorts – and any other churches out there, do this when it rains or snows. It made me feel cared for and loved.)

The service was beautiful. Amazing worship. Amazing sermon. Candlelit services on Christmas are special and connect us to the divine in a way that is so unique.

But what wrecked me was what the pastor taught today. That the story of Christmas must confront us before it comforts us. It reminds us that God humbled himself to become human, a child. . .to live on earth and give His own life to save us. And when Christ came as a child, the angels shocked the shepherds – they were shocked, exposed by the light of Glory and they trembled before the angels said “do not be afraid.” And that it was the same in the resurrection, at the empty tomb the guards trembled in fear, but the angel said “fear not.” When we meet Christ, he exposes us – the best and the worst of us – but loves us anyways. But at first, it’s very confrontational to be exposed – to be exposed as someone who needs saving, who needs a Holy God to come save us.

So as we sang O Holy Night, and man, the worship team was on point today – the heart of the song wrecked me. Fall on your knees, hear the angels’ voices. . . fear not.

And in the glory of His light, without any distraction of urgent to-do lists or work or worry over weather,  I am confronted by some hard truths about just how needy I am, but I am also reminded of how precious it is that God would send His son to save us, to save me, to have a relationship with me – and to fear not.

I’m starting to think, maybe it’s not a coincidence.

(As I finished typing this, my good friend who lives in New Mexico but has family here just texted me to come to another service so that I can see her and worship with her! I hope they have umbrella escorts. . .)