I’ve always said that I love to dance. When I was young, I would dance in my room or living room when no one was watching. Wild abandon. Not worried about what I looked like or if anything was right; but just dancing. When I was in middle school and high school, I was the first out to get the party started.

And then something happened, insecurities and becoming very aware of how I looked when dancing. But I loved it from afar.

Recently, I was doing my “expressive art therapy” intro for a group of women that a friend and I serve once a month. It goes something like:

Our number one rule is to be kind. To yourself and to others. So when that inner critic that comes to tell you that you’re not an artist, that your work isn’t good enough, or that your work isn’t looking like how you wanted to – kindly ask your inner critic to take a hike. And instead remember what it was like when you were kid. When you proudly drew stick figures and imperfect coloring pages, never comparing or caring about making it perfect. Enjoying art for the act of making art. Because what you’ll hear us say over and over again: it’s not about the product, but the process.

And all my EAT (Expressive Art Therapy) friends reading this are like “Preach!” I say this or something like this before every group. But the last time, I was thinking. . .what is my inner critic keeping me from.

See, I have been trying to figure out a better balance to life. Spending more time with friends and less time on the weekend working. Taking more breaks during my day to be present with myself, with my friends and family. Getting healthier has been a huge help, but I am still trying to figure things out with this new body and how to build strength and endurance that I can maintain as I continue to lose weight. I’m just constantly balancing and adjusting.

And I realized that maybe I need a little bit of self-prescribed expressive art therapy for myself to reach some of these goals. And it hit me. I’ve been saying that I want to learn how to dance. I want to see about joining that community that I know from friends and family can be incredibly fun and welcoming.

So I asked a friend for info on the best way to get lessons. I took about two weeks to commit to it and I just finished my third lesson tonight. And I’m working through so much more than just the technical learning the steps.

I’m learning that I have to be present. Being present just isn’t optional. If I come to my lesson overwhelmed with thoughts about work, I am stumbling and can’t focus. I have to only think about being present and dancing. Where are my feet, where is my leader’s hands and following his lead – if I start to think about anything else like the deadline tomorrow or the huge to do list in my life, my feet fail.

I’m learning that I’m pretty disconnected from my body. This isn’t new to friends who I’ve done a lot of art with – it’s come up a lot in my work. But dancing is so direct in processing that disconnection and facing down the insecurities of how I hold myself or how I move. Throw in the complexities of dealing with a massive weight loss, overcompensating in my movements and not trusting my legs as I learn new moves.

Spinning is hard. Spotting and the right shoes help. Which leads me to the inspiration for the night. We worked on turning/spinning tonight which was great because I finally got better shoes! My instructor told me I needed better shoes that wouldn’t create traction on the floor.

Red shoes. I have a thing for red shoes. Not just any red shoe. The right shade of red is important. It has been since I was kid, just ask my mom who told me once that I was very particular about picking out shoes when I was little, specifically a pair of red shoes that I loved.

I’m not sure that my new shoes being red helps me spin, but it definitely helps me feel excited about dancing. One of my favorite songs is “New Shoes” by Paolo Nutini. (Note that I did not say my favorite video. . .it’s cheesy and wonderful in it’s own way though.) Makes me want to dance. And I think I needed a little bit of that mojo and contagious good vibes.

I’m not great at spinning, but it’s a lot of fun. I just wish I was better at it. Tonight I worked through a lot of spinning exercises and was given a lot of tips that were super helpful. One of course is spotting. To find a spot that you look at and when you spin and come around, you find again. Helps to keep you from getting dizzy and helps with momentum.

I think my life right now, might be a lot like learning how to spin well. I’m trying to choose joy, to serve God, to live this life well. But if I lose sight of Christ and my identity in Him, my hope in Him, that joy and peace comes from Him. . .well, I lose my balance. I get dizzy.

It would be easy to say, well I should stop spinning – but guys, it’s so much more fun. I just have to keep trying. I just have to practice the art of finding balance. And I have to take my own advice. To be kind to myself. To kick my inner critic out of the room. And to be present and enjoy the process.

Hey, I put some new shoes on

And suddenly everything is right

I said, hey I put some new shoes on

And everybody’s smiling, it’s so inviting

Oh short on money but long on time

Slowly strolling in the sweet sunshine

And I’m running late and I don’t need an excuse

Cause I’m wearing my brand new shoes