I would like to first of all report that this has been the most successful I have ever been with a “New Year’s Resolution.” And I think what made it successful comes down to these three things:

1. Expect some stumbling, give yourself some grace. Resolutions fail because changing patterns, especially ones that help us cope require something more than will power – it requires humility and grace. In my time as a counselor working with those struggling with addiction, I realized that the men and women who have overcome and are daily overcoming addiction are the most courageous and strong in the world. In. the. world. And if you don’t know this, than I would challenge you to think of the top three ways that you cope with life’s stresses . . . no, really, think about it. During my studies, my intro to addictions class had each of us do this and we had to write them down and share them. Mine included – listening to music, fellowship with friends and family, and prayer.  And then the catch, pick one and give it up for eight weeks. I remember the panic that set in for those of us in the class – some refused to pick from their top three and changed it (as long as they had a solid excuse, and I think our instructor used the negotiations as an example of how interventions sometimes work – and that sometimes you can only hope to reduce use and frequency at first.) I chose music. Because I couldn’t give up friends and family or prayer.  Now, I am not equating my time of abstaining from music to anything close to what it must be like to abstain from an addictive substance, but it created a glimmer of understanding and compassion. I remember “relapsing” and my instructor could tell right away because of my nervousness when asked for an update. And of course, I had excuses – “there was music at my friend’s party. . .I can’t help it, it was right there. . .am I supposed to ask them not to do it just because I can’t. . . I just you know….chose to go to this coffee shop that plays really good music. . .I know! I relapsed!” And quickly, I learned this lesson – you just start over the next day. The faster you get back on track, the better. To be honest, this is what I remember too, the euphoria I had the night I took my final and could listen to music.  I remember crying and giggling at how excited I was to be able to hear it that night and how silly it was that I was crying about it. I can remember that moment with sweetness because music is a healthy coping mechanism for me, but when I think about how hard it was just for eight weeks – I had a new appreciation for giving up something that helps us cope. Often the goals we set for the new year addresses the patterns we know maybe aren’t the healthiest ways we cope. Emotional eating, retail therapy, and myriad of other poor choices we make throughout the year. So here’s something I took from my time watching clients navigate relapse and here’s the thing – own some humility, know that relapse is bound to happen, but persevere to get back up and give yourself some grace. Humility is not shame. Humility means, yep, I’m human and got off track. It doesn’t mean I have to give up – no matter how many times you fail, you keep getting back up. (If you know anyone who is working on their recovery from addiction, I would encourage you to tell them how proud you are of them. No matter if they have 1 day sober or 10 years, it’s takes a special strength and character to make the choice for recovery). And one other thing, you have to replace bad coping activities with healthy ones.
2. Don’t take on too much at once! I recently read this study that said the most successful way to lose weight is to make small changes over a long duration of time. Something as simple as eliminating soda or walking for a short period of time. If you’re like me, that seems ridiculous and lazy to think it actually works. (Except, it actually works .  . . , but that’s not the point.) So instead, I’m going to cut soda, run a marathon, do planks every day, go to Zumba four times a week, eliminate all carbs, and replace meals with shakes every day – and reach my fit bit steps every day. I do this same thing with finances too. “I’m going to make my own soap, laundry, dog food, and learn extreme couponing to save money this year. . .” Right. . .I’m going to do ALL of these things right away. And what’s fun is when I combine this list with my weight loss list and actually think I can do it.  Start with one thing, make it routine, make it a habit before you take on that next step.  This “I’m just going to bear down and do it” plan, lasts for about five days.  It’s too much! Friends, we gotta “What about Bob?”-it and remember “baby steps, baby steps”. Jokes aside, baby steps lead to strides.
3. The goal should remind you of the why – not the how. Let’s face it, we’ve had failed new year’s resolutions and diets where we take on too many “how to’s” in order to meet our goal rather than just focus on the goal and the “why” it’s our goal and having flexibility in the how to’s. In counseling we talk a lot about treatment plans. It’s important to remember there are the objectives and then the actions you’re going to do to meet those objectives. And you get to re-evaluate and change them as needed. So for me, the reason I feel like this year was successful is that my goal was summed up in a simple phrase: “to have more sunshine in my life”.  And my plan of action, my “how-to’s” were flexible. I had several key things like walking my dogs more, working out at least once a week (that’s right, just once a week at first and now that’s turned into 3-4 times a week), and to care more about my appearance (dress nicer for work and actually wear make up during the week). But these were always guided by this simple question “what choice adds more sunshine in my life and in my soul?” And I made a choice to have some something tangible to remind me of this resolution. I dyed my hair blond.

Having more sunshine in my life has some obvious meaning to most people – sunshine = happy. But for me, it’s a little more. Several years back, I was invited to a costume party, but the catch was that you had to create your own super hero. I bought a blond wig, wore my yellow dress and created a yellow mask from felt – and became Captain Sunshine. It was a time when I felt really confident, healthy, and yes, super. I felt super.  The Cap’n is a part of me and sometimes, she comes out, but in recent years, stormy clouds have kept her pretty well hidden. So my goal was to have a little more of the Cap’n in my life in 2016. The blonde hair simply reminded me of that. And throughout the year, I would just ask if I was making choices, doing things that the Cap’n would approve. I failed a lot.  But I think because I had this theme as my goal instead of a list of specific how –to’s, I’m coming away from the year feeling like I had more wins than losses. I had more days of sunshine than clouds.

So now, I’m revisiting and re-evaluating this coming year’s resolution. I hope that you do the same, that you consider picking a general goal that will remind you of the “why” and your motivation and that you give yourself lots of grace and flexibility in how you achieve it over the next year.