I’m starting to think it isn’t a coincidence. I’m starting to think that God knew exactly what He was doing this Christmas. And its humbling, hard, but I didn’t know how much I needed what He’s given me this year.

Wednesday night I got home around 9:30 after a work party with a sense of urgency, a plan of attack to tackle all the things I needed to do before the morning. I had to pack my clothes and find snow appropriate clothes of course, pack dog food for 6 days, toys, dog beds, make a Christmas CD to play on the road trip, finish working on some gifts that needed to be packed up, and of course, clean up my house as best I could before leaving, water all the plants and trees. . .

But then, my plans changed. And the urgency of my to-do’s switched to caring for one of my dogs. I won’t go into the details here, after talking with my parents and sleeping on it, I decided it wasn’t wise to travel with my dog in the condition she was in. (She’s fine, just not road trip fine.)

I’m disappointed. I knew it would disappoint my family. I will miss snuggles with my sweet little nieces, romping in the snow with them and the dogs, and some of the best cooking and baking in the country. I’ll miss the Colorado starry night and moon lighting up the white snow, and the warmth of the fire in my parents “barn.” (They live in a barn, that’s another blog worthy topic for another time.)

Wednesday night, I had finally gotten my house situated for Stella. And let me tell you, Stella is a big baby every day and has separation anxiety on a good day; but when she’s not well or in her current state, she’s extra needy, melancholy – and this makes her want to be next to me at all times. She knew I was upset too. So curled up on her special blanket and she laid her head on top of my feet to try and comfort me. Lacey curled up on my lap. And for a moment, in the midst of chaos and disappointment, there was a very simple and sweet moment of peace.

The next day rain poured down from here to Flagstaff and snow was falling heavy in Colorado. I knew I made the right decision. Traveling with a needy dog in bad weather across the reservation is just not wise.  I knew that I just had to make the best of staying in Phoenix for Christmas. I braved the grocery store, I bought a very small tree, and I put on Christmas music – and I went to work on some of those “to-dos” I had put off.

I had made a plan this year to give Bibles to some important teenagers in my life with a note explaining my faith, scriptures I love highlighted, etc. I had run out of time to do it, so I let them know their gifts would be late this year. I didn’t want to rush through it.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this year, I would be writing my faith out, revisiting my favorite scriptures. I was overwhelmed being reminded that God is relentless in his love and pursuit of us. That he loves us on our worst days. That He is God over everything – God over my plans. And that maybe this Christmas, I needed to just be with Him.

Today, Christmas Eve I made plans to go to a church service at noon and just see where the day took me. If you’re in Phoenix, you know it poured all day and people in Phoenix aren’t the best at driving in rain. . .which made me late to the service. As I pulled on to the street by the church, one of my best friends who I have been playing phone tag with for the last two months called. So I made a choice, to sit in my truck for an hour talking with her and just catch the next service.  She’s the best kind of friend a girl can have. She was positive and confident that I would make the best of this time and that God had a plan in all of it.

I didn’t have to wait long for the next service. But the rain started to come down even harder. And I started to feel like “Of course it would pour today. Because that’s how this week is going.” But as I looked up from getting out of my truck, a young hipster with mustache came running with an umbrella and escorted me to the church. (Dear New City Church – Thank you for arranging umbrella escorts – and any other churches out there, do this when it rains or snows. It made me feel cared for and loved.)

The service was beautiful. Amazing worship. Amazing sermon. Candlelit services on Christmas are special and connect us to the divine in a way that is so unique.

But what wrecked me was what the pastor taught today. That the story of Christmas must confront us before it comforts us. It reminds us that God humbled himself to become human, a child. . .to live on earth and give His own life to save us. And when Christ came as a child, the angels shocked the shepherds – they were shocked, exposed by the light of Glory and they trembled before the angels said “do not be afraid.” And that it was the same in the resurrection, at the empty tomb the guards trembled in fear, but the angel said “fear not.” When we meet Christ, he exposes us – the best and the worst of us – but loves us anyways. But at first, it’s very confrontational to be exposed – to be exposed as someone who needs saving, who needs a Holy God to come save us.

So as we sang O Holy Night, and man, the worship team was on point today – the heart of the song wrecked me. Fall on your knees, hear the angels’ voices. . . fear not.

And in the glory of His light, without any distraction of urgent to-do lists or work or worry over weather,  I am confronted by some hard truths about just how needy I am, but I am also reminded of how precious it is that God would send His son to save us, to save me, to have a relationship with me – and to fear not.

I’m starting to think, maybe it’s not a coincidence.

(As I finished typing this, my good friend who lives in New Mexico but has family here just texted me to come to another service so that I can see her and worship with her! I hope they have umbrella escorts. . .)